Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Even If

Image result for fear multiple sclerosis


That would probably be the number one emotion I have felt since my first episode a few years ago.

I could not feel my body. I could not walk or use my arms correctly. They did not know why. They did not know when or even if I would recover.

Much has changed since then. I recovered a lot and now they know why, but the fear remains.

I used to wonder if I would have another attack or new lesion. I used to pretend I wouldn't... but I did. Again and again.

Now I wonder when the next will be and I wonder what will be effected. Will I completely lose my vision? Will I lose my ability to pick up my children with my arms? To walk on my legs? To talk or sing?

Fear, to some degree, every hour... every day.

I didn't know what to do with this. I needed to place it somewhere so I could be in the present with my family, with my current health. But I carried it with me like a permanent appendage and I can assure you the impact was negative.

That was until today.

I haven't mentioned my faith on this blog because I wanted to remain neutral and talk about the facts, the science of nutrition and its effect on our bodies... but I can not do MS without my faith, without Him.

I trust in God and have for a long time, but I did not know how to reconcile this chronic illness and Him. I know He can do anything. He can, but what if He doesn't?

Today... I got my answer through a song from a precious friend. This isn't the first time God has used music to tip that place in my soul that is brimming with sorrow to show me the peace that can only be found in Him.

Even if.

Even if I lose my vision.

Even if I lose my legs or arms or even my voice.

My hope is Him alone... I will cling to Him come what may.

Yes, keep fighting the fight, but when we can't... when fear sets in, when relapse comes, this will be my song.

It is well with my soul,